The quotes that appear on each page of Whedonesque.com
Everybody die always.
Is there a Geppetto in the house?
I saw their production of Giselle in 1890. I cried like a baby. And I was evil!
This is beyond my ken - and my Barbie - and all my action figures.
An entire army in an instant, just from a phone call. That is genius! Why didn’t I think of that? Did I think of that? Oh God…
We’re pimps and killers, but in a philanthropic way.
It’s a sham with yams. It’s a yam sham.
I know you’ve heard colorful rumors about what an Active is. Robots, zombie slaves. They are, of course, quite the opposite. The Active is the truest soul among us.
Passion. It lies in all of us.
We don’t knock during dark rituals?
I miss Oz. He’d get it. He wouldn’t say anything, but he’d get it.
I mean, have you tried not being a slayer?
Harmony has minions?
Ours is a forbidden love.
You’re gonna get married and have scowly babies.
Nobody wants to be moist
Why paint a bison if it’s dead? When did you choose the color red?
I have dozens of loyal fans! Baker’s dozens! … They come in thirteens.
Darn your sinister attraction!
Do we suspect that there may be some kind of connection between Ben and Glory?
Is everyone here very stoned?
Death is your gift.
You know, next to you, I am downright linear.
Well he doesn’t traditionally bring presents so much as you know, disembowel children.
I’m not cheap, I’m just old.
There’s a hole in the world. Feels like we ought to have known.
You’re not special. You’re extraordinary.
I’m going gay. I’ve decided I’m turning gay. Willow, gay me up. Come on, let’s gay.
See, get it? That’s the point Joss. It’s compelling! What’s going to happen to these kids?
Man. Atonement’s a bitch.
Mission is what matters.
No weapon forged can defeat me! … What’s that do?
I am obsolete. This must be what old people feel like. And Blockbuster.
A doodle. I do doodle. You too! You do doodle too!
You know what the chain of command is? It’s the chain I go get and beat you with ‘til ya understand who’s in ruttin’ command here.
Let’s be bad guys.
Need anything dampened or… made soggy?
I don’t dance.
Songs can hurt like a fist.
For all intents and purposes, I am the Watcher’s Council.
KKcht. Eagle one to German guys from ‘Die Hard’, what is your position? KKRrtch.
It’s a nativity scene, except nobody here is wise.
It’s about power and it’s about women and you just hate those two words in the same sentence, don’t you?
Yes, I’ve read a poem. Try not to faint.
So no more running. I aim to misbehave.
Can I make a suggestion that doesn’t involve violence, or is this the wrong crowd?
When I talk about belief, why do you always assume I’m talking about God?
I’m a leaf in the wind. Watch how I soar.
We’re robbing the place, we’re not occupying it.
I swallowed a bug.
Love keeps her up when she ought to fall down, tells ya she’s hurtin’ ‘fore she keens, makes her home.
Dear Buddha, please bring me a pony, and a plastic rocket.
I want to resolve this like civilized men.
Yes, Jayne. She’s a witch. She has had congress with the beast.
I hope she does the soup thing. It’s always a hoot, and we don’t all die from it.
How’s it sit? Pretty cunning, don’tchya think?
Do not fear me. Ours is a peaceful race, and we must live in harmony…
Oh my god, it’s grotesque! Oh, and there’s something in a jar.
Ching-wao tsao duh liou mahng!
If you take sexual advantage of her, you’re going to burn in a very special level of hell.
Yeah, but she’s our witch.
Dear Diary… today I was pompous and my sister was crazy.
See, morbid and creepifying, I got no problem with, long as she does it quiet-like.
May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one.
It’s a real burn, being right so often.
Oh my god. What can it be? We’re all doomed! Who’s flying this thing!?
Some terrifying space monkeys maybe got loose?
You’re welcome on my boat. God ain’t.
Oh, I got heathens aplenty right here.
Well they tell you: never hit a man with a closed fist. But it is, on occasion, hilarious.
I brought you some supper but if you’d prefer a lecture, I’ve a few very catchy ones prepped…sin and hellfire… one has lepers.
Ten percent of nuthin’ is…let me do the math here…nuthin’ into nuthin’…carry the nuthin’…
Sometimes you just wanna duct tape her mouth and dump her in the hold for a month.
Ha ha HA! Mine is an evil laugh…now die!
Ah, curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal!
We will rule over all this land, and we will call it… ‘This Land’.
We can’t die, Bendis. You know why? Because we are so…very…pretty.
Well, personally? I kinda want to slay the dragon.
Let’s go to work.
You gotta do what you can to protect your family. I learned that from my father.
I’d like to keep Spike as my pet.
Look, if cavemen and astronauts got into a fight, who would win?
You’re a wee, little puppet man!
I was Rasputin’s lover!
Who is this? Who is this? I came to fight the vampire with a soul. Guess you shouldn’t have sold it, huh?
Perpetual torment? Just know that’s gonna taste very good.
Yeah, I never told anyone about this, but I—I liked your poems.
And your hair. What color do they call that, radioactive?
You have reached Ritual Sacrifice. For goats press one, or say “goats.”
Yep… That went well.
She’ll turn you in before you can say … ‘Don’t turn me in’.
See Vera? Dress yourself up, you get taken out somewhere fun.
You paid money for this, sir? On purpose?
Oh, I’m gonna go to the special hell.
May have been the losing side. Still not convinced it was the wrong one.
I’m trying to think of a way for you to be cruder. I just… It’s not coming.
Also, I can kill you with my brain.
Jayne, your mouth is talking. You might want to see to that.
Sir, I think you have a problem with your brain being missing.
Who’s flying this thing!? Oh right, that would be me.
I love my captain.
I’m not on the ship. I’m in the ship. I am the ship.
Just an object. It doesn’t mean what you think.
What’d you all order a dead guy for?
Do not fear me. Ours is a peaceful race, and we must live in harmony…
No power in the ‘verse can stop me.
We gotta go to the crappy town where I’m the hero!
Dear Diary, Today I was pompous and my sister was crazy… Today, we were kidnapped by hill folk never to be seen again. It was the best day ever.
We should start dealing in those black-market beagles.
Yes, sir, Captain Tightpants.
Time for some thrilling heroics.
This must be what going mad feels like.
We’ve done the impossible, and that makes us mighty.
Silly, silly British man.
You go through the door… you are confronted by Trogdor the Burninator.
Adios to five hit points. Trogdor has badly wounded you.
I used to be a highly respected Watcher. Now I’m a wounded dwarf with the mystical strength of a doily.
Too bad we’ll never know… if this is a face you could learn to love.
The good fight, yeah? You never know until you’ve been tested. I get that now.
Solving all her problems by sticking things with sharp objects.
Mrs. Anya lame-ass-made-up-maiden-name Harris.
Are there any friends of yours left you haven’t tried to kill?
Miss Rosenberg. How lovely to see you again. Have you done something with your hair?
Vengeance is what I am.
Come here tiny man! You are small and toylike!
Your logic is insane and happenstance, like that of a troll.
You speak your mind and are annoying.
Let’s collar him before he lawyers up.
Poems. Always a sign of pretentious inner turmoil.
That’s right, Big Bad’s back! And lookin’ for a little death!
You give it up for the Yorkie?
Even better. I’m very listed.
The boot, the bat, and the bastinada.
From beneath you, it devours.
Not the bang, not the word… the true beginning.
Do you want to be punished?
Synchronized swimming. Complete mystery to me.
Excuse me. I think I’m stuck.
You can’t take the sky from me.
I’ll be in my bunk.
I am NOT a sidekick!
But not as deceitful as a low down, dirty… deceiver.
Remember that sex we were planning to have EVER again?
Believe me, I’ve had my hands around a few.
You’re like a trained ape. Without the training!
It doesn’t matter, it will still be there. Waiting.
I swear by my pretty floral bonnet I will end you.
Keep on walking, preacherman.
See how I’m not punchin’ him? I think I’ve grown.
It’s like somebody slaughtered an Abercrombie and Fitch catalogue.
I should have slaughtered people weeks ago!
That was watercooler vengeance!
My very own riot?
Too much hair!
Jayne’s a what?
He’s putting the hair away now.
Can you believe this, not even ten o’clock and we’ve already run out of yacks bile!
I think I’m on the wrong ship.
Once you’ve been in Serenity, you never leave.
I watched ‘Passions’ with Spike. Let us never speak of it.
I’m 1120 years old! Just give me a frickin’ beer!
It’s a ritual sacrifice. With pie.
You kill the best. Go, you.
I’m an unemployed librarian with a tendency to get knocked on the head.
I’m twice the man she is.
And that’s way beyond chaos, mate.
You have no idea how much thrashing you is going to improve my day.
And if it’s true about hiking, ergo it must be true about life.
Pain. Death. Apocalypse. None of it fun.
I’d hate for my little untimely, horrible death concern to be ambiguous.
I happen to be very biteable, pal. I’m moist and delicious.
I need my vicarious smoochies.
Blah, blah, Gaia. Blah, blah, moon. Menstrual life-force power thingy.
We walk with the darkness, the wolf at our side.
Yes, that’s exactly the most appalling thing you could have said.
Sometimes I like to crumble up the weetabix in the blood.
It could just be the eternal mystery that is your brain.
If I kiss you, it’ll make the sun go down.
Can’t even shout, can’t even cry, the gentlemen are coming by.
Strangely fitting in a grotesque fashion.
Tea is soothing. I wish to be tense.
Because it HAS to be!
They swear there was a memo.
Get used to the feeling, Betazoid.
You don’t wanna hurt the Fett, ‘cause man, you’re *not* comin’ back from that!
Way to go with the keen observiness, Jessica Fletcher.
'How have you been?' 'Rat. You?' 'Dead.' 'Oh.'
I think that hydrant wasn’t there..
Okay - this is because of going through the portal, right?
You got a real addiction to the brooding part of life, did anyone ever tell ya that?
Quickly! To the Angel-mobile! Away!
And working up a load of sexual tension and prancing away like a magnificent poof is truly thanks enough.
And now, I’m just a *big* fluffy puppy with bad teeth. No! Not the hair! Never the hair.
How can I thank you, you mysterious black-clad-hunk-of-a-knight-thing?
It turns out massacres are a lot like sitting through God Father 3, once is enough.
I’m the Host…have you met me? I never shut up!
Jumping Judas on a unicycle. What happened?
You don’t have a woman’s touch, whatever your taste in clothing may indicate.
Lilah: You’re a remarkable man, Angel. Angel: Yeah, and you’re an evil bitch.
Yes, having-my-head torn-open-and-hot-lava-poured-into-my-skull gifts.
Call her that again I’ll remove your face…slowly.
Very sweet she was, like clover and honey.
That’s why I hired him. He’s a eunuch.
Oh, bugger off, you brolly.
Loo, shag, brolly, what the hell is all that?
Why couldn’t you be dealing drugs like normal people.
Oh Summers you drive like a spaz!
Angel’s lame! His hair goes straight up, and he’s bloody stupid!
You get the Watcher. You get the mom. You get the little Scooby gang. What do I get? Jack squat.
May I say something? Psych!
And on the day the words flimsy excuse were redefined, we stood in awe, and watched.
What else would I wanna pump you for?
She saved the world. A lot.
I’m a hair’s breadth away from investigating bunnies at the moment, so I’m open to anything.
I’m not exactly quaking in my stylish, yet affordable boots.
I was able to examine the body while police were taking witness arias.
Shoot me. Stuff me. Mount me.
Testosterone is a great equalizer. It turns all men into morons.
The getting of knowledge should be tangible. It should be, um, smelly.
What’s in cyberspace at the moment is less than divine.
I don’t get it. What is it, avant-garde?
That’s the kind of wooly headed liberal thinking that leads to being eaten.
That’ll put marzipan in your pie plate, bingo!
I’d like to test that theory.
It may be you could wrest some information from that dread machine.
I think this line is mostly filler…
It should simply be plunge and move on, plunge and move on…
The words ‘Let that be a lesson’ are a tad redundant at this juncture.
Buffy: Vampires are creeps. Giles: Yes, that’s why one slays them.
A six-course banquet of nothing with a scoop of sod all as a palate cleanser.
Because it’s WRONG.
It should simply be plunge and move on, plunge and move on…
You’re… you’re incredibly pale.
Do you two need to be alone, or can we get to the ouchies?
To coin a popular Sunnydale phrase, ‘duh’!
Three things I don’t do. Tan, date, and sing in public.
I need better back-up than C3PO and Stick Figure Barbie.
Mercy, forgiveness, trust. Those are the things he left back there.
We didn’t turn the tide of glorious history.
My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse.
Mist. Cemetery. Halloween. This should end well.
Get out! Get out!! GET OUT!!!
The king of cups expects a picnic, but this is not his birthday.
I have to find my pleasure, Spike. You taste like ashes.
I smell fear. It’s intoxicating.
I’m not allowed to have layers?
I mean, you can dry clean till judgment day, you are living with those stains.
Don’t speak Latin in front of the books.
Cup of tea, cup of tea, nearly got shagged, cup of tea?
Spank your inner moppet!
What IS your childhood trauma?
That’s a very interesting thing about trout you brought up.
One of these days you’re going to wake up in a coma.
Billions of people walking around like Happy Meals with legs.
'How? What? How?' Three excellent questions.
You’re stepping on my moment of manliness here.
Vampire cowboy? Vampire fireman? Oh! Vampire ballerina!
This whole curse thing has been widely misinterpreted…
…and the weird thing is, your aura? Beige.
I can see the maudlin segment of tonight’s binge is in full swing.
Angelus is on his way here now. He’s very cross.
Have a nice day. Don’t get killed.
I mock you with my monkey pants.
We attack the mayor with hummus.
With a lot of hoot and just a lil bit of nanny.
Someone wasn’t worthy.
Out. For. A. Walk. Bitch.
Timmy’s down the bloody well!
I love syphilis more than I love you.
The knowledge gained from a computer is fleeting.
Don’t you like my mask? Isn’t it pretty? It raises the dead. Americans…
I watched Passions with Spike. Let us never speak of it.
You have the emotional maturity of a blueberry scone.
Excuse me, I have to call every person I have EVER met right now.
Hello, salty goodness!
And hello, gay now.
I’m so evil, and skanky. And I think I’m kind of gay.
Scully wants me so bad.
I could squeeze you until you popped like warm champagne.
Just a thought. Poker — not your game.
Raise your hand if “eeew.”
Every night I save you.
I made a promise to a lady.
I’m a blood-sucking fiend! Look at my outfit!
Since Angel lost his soul, he’s regained his sense of whimsy.
I wasn’t looking at your neck!
It’s a big rock. I can’t wait to tell my friends. They don’t have a rock this big.
You’ll fight, and you’ll shag, and you’ll hate each other ‘til it makes you quiver.
I may be love’s bitch, but at least I’m man enough to admit it.
I fed off a flower person and I spent six hours watching my hand move.
Oh, look at my poor neck… all bare and tender and exposed.
Sodding, blimey, shagging, knickers, bollocks, oh God! I’m English!
Welcome to the nancy tribe.
Must go attend to Wesley. See if he’s still whimpering.
That’s one spunky little girl you’ve raised. I’m gonna eat her.
On the hood of a police-car?
Whatever happened to the still-beating heart of a virgin?
Coming from you, that phrase strikes me as rather funny. Sorry to bother me.
And the funny keeps on coming.
Because, sir, to be blunt, the last time you became complacent about your existence turned out rather badly.
No wonder you like this stuff. It’s like reading The Sun.
Okay, the entire world sucks because some dead ditz made a wish?
Destroying everything in sight in their relentless, pointless desire to exist.
A vampire in love with a slayer. It’s rather poetic…in a maudlin sort of way.
I think I speak for everyone here when I say, ‘Huh?’
Plus, fire? Pretty.
And I’m thinking you weren’t burdened with an overabundance of schooling.
Two by two, hand of blue, two by two, hands of blue….
Three months of this. And he dusts our only lead.
I think you’ve already figured out I’m not the poster boy for normal.
Go easy, Maybell. They’re paying to see the girls.
They swear there was a memo.
I wanted to do a show about people who are not ‘super,’ just working-class people, the people history steps on. (Joss on Firefly)
Haven’t you got an elsewhere to be?
Wicca good, And love the earth, And women power, And I’ll be over here.
They got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses.
His penis got diseases From a Chumash tribe.
If my heart could beat, it would break my chest.
What I mean, I’m fifteen. So this queen thing’s illegal.
Wish I could stay. Your stalwart, standing fast.
Is my slayer too far gone to care?
The curtains close. On a kiss god knows. We can tell the end is near.
I like my evil like I like my men… evil.
Hey, does your face come off? ‘Cause, AWESOME!
Are you saying I’m some sort of Viking?
So tell me.. which stage of grieving is this?
We have to astonish them.
I don’t have to watch you Miss Frost. I can smell you.
Oh my god. You teach ethics?
Oh no. Is that dragon thing behind me?
Wasn’t that guy dead?
I really like beer.
Who is this Hilton girl? It doesn’t matter on a lot of levels.
The danger room is angry.
If I ate your head, two thirdsss of your agents would praise me in poems and sssong.
But you’ve never fought me.
Sorry darling. Had to pee.
Kissy th’ face!
Did you just say ‘thoom’?
The thing about changing the world…once you do it, the world’s all different.
I miss my home. I miss my mom. I miss the gang. And churros. And sex. Great Muppety Odin, I miss that sex.
Would the three of you please kick my ass?
You know I only have two of these outfits.
This is the crappiest sacrificial dagger I’ve ever seen.
Fe fi fo… …Fucking fum.
Of course, according to my parents the action I’m getting right now should make my last remaining eye go blind…
But you, Rosenberg…you REALLY got under my skin.
I’ll Watcher your BUTT, lady. Your grammar is not so much.
You’re at war with the human race. Oh. Kay.
I didn’t lay my faerie eggs inside your inner ear canal to watch you die.
That’s right! Just dial 1-800-CHOSEN-1 to meet girls who have this alarming yet fun condition.
The truth? There is no truth. There’s just what you believe.
You don’t have to remember me. You don’t even know who I am. But I do.
Haven’t clocked you since the Sunny D went from being an outie to an innie.
The end of the world, right? You’ve got apocalypse written all over your face.
Hey, I likes me some kink, but if you think I’m going downtown on this chick, you chose the wrong Chosen One.
So I could be alone with my, you know…sweaty…shirtless…shame.
Dude, Gwar fell on your car.
Why aren’t you awesomed by me!
Does being a ninja count as having powers?
Dear God, spare me and I’ll spend my life helping the poor, unless you don’t like them for some reason and that’s why they’re poor.
Maybe where you’re from all the children play walk through the walls. I never learned it.
I’ve claws you know.
All Nancy-Boy Wolverine.
It’s like you said, Emma…I don’t have any claws.
Badass Depowered Cyclops.
Gonna take a while for the stink of this to pass.
My depth perceptions not exactly what it used to be.
We’re in space shepherd. Its always the middle of the night.
We’re not yelling at you, Molly.
It gets exponentially prefixy.
What am I, research guy?
I told you, it’s ‘Xander’ or ‘Sergeant Fury’.
Yeah, what’d she do? Bone a thricewise?
Camelot smells like poo.
I’m sorry. I was remembering to put on all of my clothes.
Superpowers, a scintillating wit, and the best body money can buy… and I still rate below a corpse.
Remember when this place was just flame-throwers and rotating knives? I miss that.
Tell me, dear Walter, would you like to spend the rest of your life obsessed with the paintings of Leroy Neiman.. I mean, sexually?
Oh, you always so grouchy when you get cut in half.
He has a disease, if you recall.. an inexplicably adverse reaction to being shot at.
Here at Command Central, not so much with the hilarious. More with the ‘What the Hell am I Doing’
I’m the go-to girl for dirty deeds done dirt cheap.
Everybody calls me “ma’am” these days!
As a friend of mine once said, I’d like to test that theory.
Say it with me now: fe fi fo f%$#ing fum!
She-Hulk has the fakest boobs I ever saw.
She’s more than that, she gives me something you can’t.
Why arent you awesomed by me?
I will eat your dripping hearts!
We totally Shadowcatted! Chase is gona be so jealous!
Thats more than the usual amount of ninjas.
Put the thing in the thing.
We try to do something right, we mess it up, we die, we frikkin
die and we blame someone and then do it all again.
I am riding a monsters nostrils. I really should concentrate.
I want this thing off my lawn.
Dont freak. Dont react. Take control. Just step up.
Ripping its brain out is absolutely a good plan. I certainly dont have a better.
Yeah, I killed a city one time. Funny story.
Emma? Honey…? War?
You cant just throw people at all your problems, dear.
My mom gave me yucky chips again. Do you want them?
This lint is so scottish.
The hammer is my penis.
We do the weird stuff.
Captain Hammer will save us.
Yeah we totally had sex.
It’s curtains for you, Dr. Horrible. Lacy, gently wafting curtains.
Because the status is not quo.
Next up, who’s gay!
So make the bad horse gleeful, or he’ll make you his mare
And I won’t feel.. A thing
It’s not enough to bash in heads you’ve got to bash in minds
So keep your head up Billy, buddy
It’s a brand new day
This house will fall
People were fighting on me
Did I fall asleep?
Carrots! Medicinal carrots! Personal use medicinal carrots that were here when I moved in and I’m holding it for a friend!
There are three flowers in a vase. The third flower is green.
I think we have a situation. The kind you need to shoot at.
Sorry Agent Ballard, you don’t get the girl.
Did I just lose an argument to a doll?
I played a very bad hand very well. There’s a distinction
Brown…mined from the earth by the hard scrabble brown miners of north Brownderton!
Have you ever tried to clean an actual slate? You’ll always see what was on it before.
If you’re done molesting the furniture, can we get these guys?
Recycled urine? I’m kidding. It’s not fully recycled. I’m tinkering with that. I also have Pom.
I am… very British.
I’m not fooling. He’s not kidding. We’re not bluffing! I’m bluffing. But the rest of us. We mean business.
I know who I am.
Nothing is what it appears to be.
I have a message for you from inside the Dollhouse.
I find lentils completely incomprehensible.
Ooh, I could eat that word. Or a crisp.
You haven’t seen my drawer of inappropriate starches?
Yeah, people are mostly crap.
Baby, meet yourself.
Do you trust me?
Given that you’re a raping scumbag one tick shy of a murderer. I can’t recall, do you take sugar?
The human mind is like Van Halen. If you just pull out one piece and keep replacing it, it just degenerates.
I wouldn’t let you near an Active no sooner I would let a mad dog near a child.
Let’s blow this bitch back to the Bush years.
I’m Kiki. I don’t know how I got here, I sorta don’t care… am I drunk?
There’s no judging in the Dollhouse.
Put the rats back in the maze, Topher. Before one of them bites you.
He’ll be an empty-headed robot, wandering around Hollywood. He’ll be fine.
They’re a little bit Bison.
Mr. Dominic, get this man a refrigerator.
My entire existence was constructed by a sociopath in a sweater-vest. What do you suggest I do?
I’m not the bad man.
Topher Brink is a genius, and you will keep a civil tongue in this house, or we’ll put it in the stew.
The world still needs heroes, kid.
I’m the one who causes the thought-pocalypse.
I think my bad guys are better than her bad guys.
Actually, if anyone asks, don’t say I got beat up by a one-armed girl.
It appealed to the schizophrenic in me, both of them actually.
He’s ten times the man you are, and you’re, like, forty guys!
One of my imprints was an Eagle Scout. Another one was a sailor. There’s a dirty joke in there somewhere.
I prefer man reaction.
2010, I think. We don’t know how long we’ve been off the air.
Relax, I’m not a thief. I’m a terrorist.
She’s a tech-head Mag….she’s a girl Mag!
You forced me to come to Arizona. I loathe Arizona.
I love you guys!
I always had a crush on you, even when I thought you were a dude…this is better.
After every meal, and under your fingernails. Dirt gets trapped there. And germs. And mayonnaise.
Good work zombie arm!
I’m never gonna see a merman.
An army of nightmares, huh? Let’s get this party started.
I had to dismember that guy with a trowel.
He’s got a husband’s bulge.
Am I on speaker phone?
You people are so petty… and tiny.
That’s my secret, Cap. I’m always angry.
There’s no throne, there is no version of this where you come out on top. Maybe your army comes and maybe it’s too much for us but it’s all on you.
An ant has no quarrel with a boot.
Phil? His first name is Agent.
Superheroes? In New York? Give me a break!
I am Loki of Asgard. And I am burdened with glorious purpose.
Better clench up, Legolas.
That man is playing Galaga! Thought we wouldn’t notice. But we did.
If it’s all the same to you, I’ll have that drink now.
I’ve got red in my ledger, I’d like to wipe it out.
Doth mother know you weareth her drapes?
I didn’t see an end, so I put a bullet in my mouth and the other guy spit it out.